Original Article Administrators Shocked To Learn GW Not A Country Pentagon Spurred To Warn School Of Perils Of Secession By News Of Knapp's Wife GW Has Been On "Watch List" Alongside Alaska And Texas Since Vishal Scandal
Original Article Students Pretending To Be Politicos React To Elections Pretending To Matter Student Newspaper Pretending To Be Lucid Leads With Story "Look, Country, look! We're Being Political! You're Not LOOKING!"
Original Article FoBoGro Receives "License To Dill" Refurbished Deli To Be Stocked With Quantum of Salads, The Rye Who Loved Me Try Their Moonbaker, It's Perfect On Her Majesty's Secret Sauce
Original Article Selfish Professors Refuse To Resign University Could Be Enjoying This Weak Job Market, But Noooo People Seem To Enjoy The Security Employment Brings, To GW's Chagrin
Original Article Due To Sheer Awesomeness, GW Near Capacity Foggy Bottom Can't Handle Our Shit, Says Spokesman City-Imposed Limits Can "Suck" It
Original Article Hammer "Suspect" Clearly Made-up Bogeyman Composite "Mohammed N. Niazi" Everything GW Could Ever Be Afraid Of One Can Only Assume What The "N" Is Short For
Original Article GW To Complete Switch To Gmail By Apocalypse Gallop of Approaching Horsemen To Scare Administrators Out Of Committee Increased Storage Capacity Useful In Depths Of Hell
Original Article University Scholarships Attract Graduate-Level Douchebags "Undergraduate Political Achievement Awards" As Bad As It Sounds Winners "Just Happy To Be Part Of The Problem"
Original Article Men's Basketball Holds Open Practice For Some Reason Sense Of Shame Possibly Beaten Out Of Them By Coppin State Cover Charge Of $40 Suggests A Sick Market For This Sort Of Depravity
Original Article Clancy Wiggum's Pension Plan Causes Stir Springfield Police Chief Ranked #1 In Pay Last Year $2.2 Million More Than Shelbyvillian Counterpart
Doctors Call Out Deceased Treanor As "Lightweight" ".29 BAC? What Is This, Middle School? Wait, Why Am I Fired?" District Attorney's Office Investigating Sharpie Doodles From Autopsy
Chairman Of The Board Of Trustees Writes Even-Handed Opinion Article It Is Unanimously "A Great Time To Be At GW" As Title Suggests Man With Hammer-Related Head Injury Gives Thumbs Up
GW Alum Disapproved For DC Parks & Rec Position Council Members Cite Hartsock's Ignorance of Black Culture Retort "But I Was Educated At GW!" Met With Guffaws and Knee-Slaps
GW Hatchet Assumes Cross-Dressers Allergic To Water Odd One-Off Stereotype Mercifully Cut Down By Events of 10/29 Origin Theories Involve Confusion Of Cross-Dressers With The Aliens From "Signs"
Original Article Verizon Center Booked For Storage Of GW Endowment GW Spokeswoman: "Over A Billion Dollars Doesn't Just House Itself" In Case Of Rain, Parents Will Not Get To Watch Their Children Graduate
Original Article Students Reading Article On Flu Dangers Of Beer Pong Remember To Buy Cups For This WeekendHeadline "Beer Pong May Pose Flu Threat" Causes Shouts of "Woo! Beer Pong!" Area CVS Owners Pick Up Thursday's Hatchet, Subsequently Rejoice
Hatchet Opinion Article Points To Bestiality Films As "Better Standard" For Marriage Values Flicks With Such Titles As "Beauty And The Beast" Above Classics Like Cinderella "Human-on-Animal and Animal-on-Animal Viewing Will Curb Divorce" (Paraphrased)
YAF Issues Challenge to Michelle Obama Conservative Student Group “Young America Foundation” Wants First Lady To Earn Honorary Degree With 100,000 Hours Of Community Service Of Her Own “Stop Being Such A Dick” Says Student Population (http://tinyurl.com/nfc7bb)
University Official: “Fuck you, Class of 2010” News Conference Announcing Failure To Ensure 2010 Parents Will Even See Their Children Graduate Ends On Note Of Shocking Honesty Spokeswoman Backs Out Of Room Wagging Tongue, Displaying Two Middle Fingers Prominently (http://tinyurl.com/ykv4abn)
New Hall Mistakenly Renamed “Hamsterdam Hall” Students Assume Newfound Legality Of Drug Use And Sale In Building, Dozens Arrested Reference To “The Wire” Lost On Many Readers
Royal Gethers To Friends: “Can A N***a Take A Vacation?” Senior Frustrated By People Who “Can’t Hold It Together When Someone’s Cell Runs Out of Battery” Author Of The Scratching Post Not Black, Everyone Uncomfortable (http://tinyurl.com/yzfm92y)
Hatchet Writes Article About Knapp’s Facebook Fan Page Both Creation Of Fan Page And Article Documenting Said Creation Actually Happen No One Even Questions It (http://tinyurl.com/yh8lvou)
J Street Feeding Tubes Installed Sodexho Cites Lack Of Enthusiasm In Program As Impetus For Force-Feeding Of Underclassmen Feeding Stations To Include Clockwork Orange Style Eye-Openers For Easier CNN Viewing
Students To Vie For “Most Tasteless GW Costume” Early Entrants Include The Georgetown Snuggler (Wearing Snuggie and Pedo-Beard) and MC Duques “STOP! Hammer Time.” Says MC Duques. (http://tinyurl.com/ygvlt5t)
Student Theater Drama Spills Into Streets Choreographed Yet Ineffective Fighting Interrupted Only By Periods of Argumentative Song Spectacle Annoys The Daylights Out Of Innocent Passers-By
GW Has A Virginia Campus Name Alteration Has Secondary Effect Of Alerting Student Population To Existence Unnamed Foggy Bottom Junior: “Wait, So You’re Saying They Renamed The Vern?” (http://tinyurl.com/yftddbz)
The Scratching Post Announces Own Existence Unbearably Meta Headline Causes Many To Stop Reading Right Before Cute Final Joke Soon-To-Be-Dated Facebook App Reference Only Reward For Determined Readers
Study: Few Give A Shit What You Did In Farmville GW Sociology Head Steven Tuch Cites Banality Of Application, Lack Of Connection to Reality Even many Farmville Participants Expressed Desire For Others To “Get Off My Goddamn Newsfeed” (facebook.com)
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