Issue 2: October 29th

Original Article

Doctors Call Out Deceased Treanor As "Lightweight"
".29 BAC? What Is This, Middle School? Wait, Why Am I Fired?"
District Attorney's Office Investigating Sharpie Doodles From Autopsy






Original Article

Chairman Of The Board Of Trustees Writes Even-Handed Opinion Article
It Is Unanimously "A Great Time To Be At GW" As Title Suggests
Man With Hammer-Related Head Injury Gives Thumbs Up


Original Article

GW Alum Disapproved For DC Parks & Rec Position
Council Members Cite Hartsock's Ignorance of Black Culture
Retort "But I Was Educated At GW!" Met With Guffaws and Knee-Slaps

Original Article

GW Hatchet Assumes Cross-Dressers Allergic To Water
Odd One-Off Stereotype Mercifully Cut Down By Events of 10/29
Origin Theories Involve Confusion Of Cross-Dressers With The Aliens From "Signs"


Original Article
Verizon Center Booked For Storage Of GW Endowment
GW Spokeswoman: "Over A Billion Dollars Doesn't Just House Itself"
In Case Of Rain, Parents Will Not Get To Watch Their Children Graduate

Original Article
Students Reading Article On Flu Dangers Of Beer Pong Remember To Buy Cups For This Weekend Headline "Beer Pong May Pose Flu Threat" Causes Shouts of "Woo! Beer Pong!"
Area CVS Owners Pick Up Thursday's Hatchet, Subsequently Rejoice

Original Article

Hatchet Opinion Article Points To Bestiality Films As "Better Standard" For Marriage
Values Flicks With Such Titles As "Beauty And The Beast" Above Classics Like Cinderella
"Human-on-Animal and Animal-on-Animal Viewing Will Curb Divorce" (Paraphrased)

Issue 1: October 26th

YAF Issues Challenge to Michelle Obama
Conservative Student Group “Young America Foundation” Wants First Lady To Earn Honorary Degree With 100,000 Hours Of Community Service Of Her Own
“Stop Being Such A Dick” Says Student Population (http://tinyurl.com/nfc7bb)

University Official: “Fuck you, Class of 2010”
News Conference Announcing Failure To Ensure 2010 Parents Will Even See Their Children Graduate Ends On Note Of Shocking Honesty
Spokeswoman Backs Out Of Room Wagging Tongue, Displaying Two Middle Fingers Prominently (http://tinyurl.com/ykv4abn)

New Hall Mistakenly Renamed “Hamsterdam Hall”
Students Assume Newfound Legality Of Drug Use And Sale In Building, Dozens Arrested
Reference To “The Wire” Lost On Many Readers

Royal Gethers To Friends: “Can A N***a Take A Vacation?”
Senior Frustrated By People Who “Can’t Hold It Together When Someone’s Cell Runs Out of Battery”
Author Of The Scratching Post Not Black, Everyone Uncomfortable (http://tinyurl.com/yzfm92y)

Hatchet Writes Article About Knapp’s Facebook Fan Page
Both Creation Of Fan Page And Article Documenting Said Creation Actually Happen
No One Even Questions It (http://tinyurl.com/yh8lvou)

J Street Feeding Tubes Installed
Sodexho Cites Lack Of Enthusiasm In Program As Impetus For Force-Feeding Of Underclassmen
Feeding Stations To Include Clockwork Orange Style Eye-Openers For Easier CNN Viewing

Students To Vie For “Most Tasteless GW Costume”
Early Entrants Include The Georgetown Snuggler (Wearing Snuggie and Pedo-Beard) and MC Duques
“STOP! Hammer Time.” Says MC Duques. (http://tinyurl.com/ygvlt5t)

Student Theater Drama Spills Into Streets
Choreographed Yet Ineffective Fighting Interrupted Only By Periods of Argumentative Song
Spectacle Annoys The Daylights Out Of Innocent Passers-By

GW Has A Virginia Campus
Name Alteration Has Secondary Effect Of Alerting Student Population To Existence
Unnamed Foggy Bottom Junior: “Wait, So You’re Saying They Renamed The Vern?” (http://tinyurl.com/yftddbz)

The Scratching Post Announces Own Existence
Unbearably Meta Headline Causes Many To Stop Reading Right Before Cute Final Joke
Soon-To-Be-Dated Facebook App Reference Only Reward For Determined Readers

Study: Few Give A Shit What You Did In Farmville
GW Sociology Head Steven Tuch Cites Banality Of Application, Lack Of Connection to Reality
Even many Farmville Participants Expressed Desire For Others To “Get Off My Goddamn Newsfeed” (facebook.com)